Something interesting to note about Hugh Chees is not his name, although it’s memorable and when I first heard it, I thought someone was exclaiming “hoochies” and that alone is comic gold. No, the interesting thing about Hugh is that he’s a best-selling author.
Not under his own name, of course. Hugh’s nomme de plume is really Amelia Rosewylde, the best-selling romance writer. He writes some of the wittiest, blush-worthy, romance novels this librarian has ever read. It’s a shame that the stuff written under his real name didn’t take off like he’d have hoped for. It was all interesting, but it didn’t have the sparkle that his Amelia stories have.
While Hugh has lived in Marshall for five years now, he was what we lovingly call a recluse. It’s unfortunate that it took the zombie apocalypse to bring him out of his house and his shell, but as a community, we’re glad that he’s with us. Not only is he happy to haul stuff around, but he tells a really good zinger of a tale to boot. Here’s one of them.
How to Lose Weight and Gain Friends in the Zombie Apocalypse:
When I was younger, I could eat anything I wanted and never worry about gaining a pound. That all changed once I hit 30. Suddenly those donut calories weren’t getting burned off, they were setting up house in my ass. It took me about a year to realize that I’d gained 50 pounds and they weren’t coming off.
I tried crash diets. I tried all of the plans they advertised on TV. You know the ones, where they let you sign up for free and then charge you a grand a month for the pre-packaged food? I joined a gym and after a month I realized that nobody needed that kind of negativity in their life and I quit.
Convinced that pudgy looked cute on me, I was prepared to go to my heavenly reward as is.
Well, then the plane crashed. My house was my sanctuary for the first three weeks. Then I realized I needed to get out or starve to death. The bad news was that all of my neighbors had realized this a week or so earlier. They were gone or dead. I had to meet new friends. I had to find new friends!
That trip included three sprints, and a two mile run. My house was two miles from the courthouse. If I could get to the courthouse, I could probably survive a few more days.
Thankfully I made it to the courthouse, but they put me to work right away. Gone were the halcyon days of my sedentary lifestyle.
Since that first day I’ve lost sixty pounds! Who knew that an apocalyptic event would be so great for getting rid of my paunch? I’m sharing my plan for anyone who still has a few stubborn pounds to go. Although, if you still have an extra donut around your middle, I want to know where you’re storing the Snickers bars. Because if you haven’t shared, I’m coming for you.
Month 1:
Weight loss – 10 pounds of fat.
Weight Gain – 3 pounds of muscle.
Activities: Running from zombies, jumping fences, scavenging for food, hauling soil for a garden.
Diet: Beans, lettuce, radishes, green onions. (Thank you to whomever had the forethought to plant those across town. Really, good on you.)
Month 2:
Weight Loss – 9 pounds of Fat
Weight Gain – 0
Activities: More running from zombies. Added – fighting zombies. Melee fighting burns extra calories. Gardening. Helping the new community mechanic fix cars. (Some crazy lady keeps blowing them up by bowling for zombies on the highway. She’s keeping us busy.)
Diet: Beans, lettuce, onions, greenhouse tomatoes. Mystery meat. (Don’t ask. I didn’t ask. I don’t want to know.)
Month 3:
Weight Loss – 10 pounds of fat.
Weight Gain – 2 pounds of muscle.
Activities: Hauling scrap for the mechanic. Running from zombies. (Sometimes I just do this when I feel like I need a workout. There’s always a few around. Watch out for ferals. They’re faster than you are. Keep a pistol on your person in case of these encounters. For added bonus, carry a pipe wrench with you for the extra weight.) Melee fighting zombies. Light Parkour – I’m still getting more bruises and scrapes than I’d like, but I’m getting more agile, better at getting from place to place.
Diet: Forced fruit and vegetables. Beans. Venison (I think?)
With our limited diet and need to get cardio in, you too can lose that pesky extra weight. If you’ve got questions, I’m just west of the courthouse now with a great group of people. I’m happy to give you some extra pointers. We’re trading for fuel right now too, so if you’ve got it, we’ll take it.